They said, if you really want to know a person, travel together. I did. In fact, that’s how I found out a lovely wife can be such a pain in the ass when travelling together.
During our recent Vietnam trip, she just can’t stop mumbling about the-tourists-have-to-pay-double culture. Even under hot sun, she can spent a whole 20 minutes negotiating price with a boatman, which at the end just make a few dollar difference. How I wish to just pay the difference and enjoy 20 minutes more. But I know if I say so, it means war.
Don’t get me wrong. I love her, but sometimes, especially on the road, I just can’t stop thinking about ways to keep her mouth shut for a few hours. Anyway, long story short. For those who are as frustrated as I am, here are the 5 ways to kill your wife in (and only in) Vietnam.
01 Traffic Accident
I bet I’m not the only one that found Vietnam traffic is amazing. When the pedestrian crossing light is red, you cross, you die. When the pedestrian crossing light turns green, you cross, you still die. No one cyclist nor motorcyclist is following the traffic light in Vietnam. So just don’t hold her hand. Let her go.
02 Weather Murder
We actually checked the weather forecast prior departure. Siri said the lowest temperature in Sapa is 17°C. We end up wearing all the summer wear we brought and still shivering in the bar even with a famous hot wine in our hand. It’s 7°C. If you know your wife can’t tolerant cold, bring her to Sapa. For better result, remind her she looks great in short when she pack.
03 Food Poisoning
If your wife is a foodie, easy. There are millions of street food in Vietnam. Most of them just bring a small basket and start serving, leaving you wonder where did they do their washing. Trust me, Vietnamese food is awesome. Bring your wife to taste all the delicious street food. There will definitely be one, if not kill her, can at least keep her busy in the washroom and leave you a peaceful night.
04 Buffalo Attack
There are many places in Vietnam, such as Hoi An and Sapa, are famous for their breathtaking paddy scenery. I found my wife just loves to go near and take photo of those-she-called-cute buffalo. Same. Just don’t stop her. The short tempered buffalo will give you a hand.
05 Fly a Drone
What…Your wife is still alive?
I’m sorry to tell, but unfortunately, you seems to have married the Big-Boss-Monster who only appear at the final stage of game. Don’t worry. You can still kill them. Just need some time to upgrade your combat power. Or choose other option-buy a weapon.
Buy a drone and ask her to fly at Hanoi. Believe me, ladies, no matter how smart they are in life, intelligence level will just drop to zero when it comes to gadget. Even it shown “no fly zone” on the remote, they will still fly it if you say yes. Now all you have to do is just wait for the police to come.
Job Done. End of story.
Thank you for reading till the end. Hope you have a good laugh. In case you are wondering. No. Unfortunately, my wife is still alive, in face, just sitting right next to me and keep nagging about my grammar mistakes. Guess I’ll have to plan another trip and kill her, in Turkey. May be. Hopefully.